Unorphanhood I - Courage

Courage doesn't always roar.
Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying "I will try again tomorrow".
Mary Anne Radmacher.


A few weeks ago I came across this beautiful thought, it was a discovery that moved me to tears.
I think of my second year at university as a dark spot - the worst year - not of my life (that would be a bit dramatic) - but definitely the hardest. I always think of it - it was the hardest lesson I've learned - a lesson which I began to learn then and will continue to learn for the rest of my life I think. When I was in my second year of university my father died. Tomorrow will be the anniversary of his death.
Four years ago I was just moving back into residence. I remember unpacking my things and lying on my bed - waiting. I can't explain what I was waiting for, only that I was waiting. Although I was surprised when my uncle knocked on the door to my room, I was not surprised by his news - my father had died. At this time I will not recount the next few weeks - it is enough to say that they were difficult. But the next months were even harder. Before I had left for school at the end of that summer I'd had a conversation with my father - we decided that I should return to school that year. I wanted very much to stay with him but he felt strongly that I should continue my studies and both my sisters had moved home so he would not be without company.
So after the funeral I felt compelled to return to school. I felt that I owed it to him. But every day was a struggle. To go to class, gospel choir, floor events - all mundane things in the face of dealing with death. Every day I had to try with all my might not to quit. At the time it didn't feel as though I was building muscles - it felt as though I was tearing them - fighting my deepest urge to give up and go home.
Now I look back on it - I don't think it would have been giving up - I think it would have been alright to take the time to grieve. but I do not regret staying. The lesson I learned was important - at the time, I thought of it as "not quitting". It was only when I read the quote at the beginning of this entry that I came to see it by another name - courage.

I thank God for the courage He has given me.