Unorphanhood I - Courage

Courage doesn't always roar.
Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying "I will try again tomorrow".
Mary Anne Radmacher.


A few weeks ago I came across this beautiful thought, it was a discovery that moved me to tears.
I think of my second year at university as a dark spot - the worst year - not of my life (that would be a bit dramatic) - but definitely the hardest. I always think of it - it was the hardest lesson I've learned - a lesson which I began to learn then and will continue to learn for the rest of my life I think. When I was in my second year of university my father died. Tomorrow will be the anniversary of his death.
Four years ago I was just moving back into residence. I remember unpacking my things and lying on my bed - waiting. I can't explain what I was waiting for, only that I was waiting. Although I was surprised when my uncle knocked on the door to my room, I was not surprised by his news - my father had died. At this time I will not recount the next few weeks - it is enough to say that they were difficult. But the next months were even harder. Before I had left for school at the end of that summer I'd had a conversation with my father - we decided that I should return to school that year. I wanted very much to stay with him but he felt strongly that I should continue my studies and both my sisters had moved home so he would not be without company.
So after the funeral I felt compelled to return to school. I felt that I owed it to him. But every day was a struggle. To go to class, gospel choir, floor events - all mundane things in the face of dealing with death. Every day I had to try with all my might not to quit. At the time it didn't feel as though I was building muscles - it felt as though I was tearing them - fighting my deepest urge to give up and go home.
Now I look back on it - I don't think it would have been giving up - I think it would have been alright to take the time to grieve. but I do not regret staying. The lesson I learned was important - at the time, I thought of it as "not quitting". It was only when I read the quote at the beginning of this entry that I came to see it by another name - courage.

I thank God for the courage He has given me.

On Love

On Saturday I went to the Mount Pleasant cemetery. I know it seems like an odd place to go for a walk, but for some reason I've been wanting to do it for a while.
I tried to think of people I could go with but eventually I decided to invite the Lord. And I met Him there. I had two revelations on the walk - revelations of Love.
The first was that I've been created to love, it's what I enjoy doing.When I was seeing the boy I love(d) I experienced such Joy thinking of things I could do - ways to make him Happy.
I loved loving him.
the same was true of my time volunteering with babies. Loving is a skill that, though perfect, can always be improved upon, and ultimately it is the BEST state to be in. And it was then I realized that I want to love God this way. I want to lavish my love on Him. I'm not quite sure how best to do it, but I feel that in realizing my need I have come closer to Him.
The other revelation of love was two fold. In the cemetery I saw stones and stones marked with names. I saw mothers, daughters, sons, fathers, brothers, husbands, wives, sisters, pastors and friends. all missed. all loved. All remembered by a name carved in stone. A short story of their life - the span of years (Jan 15th 1869 - May24th 1920), and perhaps a short note on their kindness and generosity, and a verse of God's love. Perhaps a note on who they left behind. And the names of those who later joined them: widows buried next to their husbands 30 years later, entire families named on a single stone decades separating them. I know it's weird, but I felt as one sometimes feels when surrounded by families. I felt surrounded by love, at peace.
Each line spoke of love.
Each person that has stood and mourned or brought flowers or left lights, each is a testament of love.
And later I remembered this vs: Isaiah 49:16

"See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands."

God has engraved us in love. and unlike the words in stone which may last for a century or two and then fade, our names have been there before we were born, and will be there for eternity. So can we be next to Him for just as long. That is love.

Unorphanhood

In John 14:16-18 Jesus speaks to His diciples about His departure. He says:
"16 And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counselor to be with you forever— 17 the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you. 18 I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you."

"I will not leave you as orphans: I will come to you."

It is this phrase upon which I build my story. And what is my story?
My story is simply my life. a life which has been mostly happy. I have two older sisters, two sisters who are my age (bestfriends) and various other sisters, mothers and aunts who are woven into myself. I have two fathers - my father on earth who is no longer on earth, and my Father in heaven.

Where should I start now that I've started? I'll start with the present. It is raining outside. It's one of those lovely wet days when the rain does not cease and socks and shoes get thoroughly wet but one is happy to be alive and all the more grateful for a warm house from which to enjoy it all. I have put off writing for almost a month and now all my thoughts are gone from me except the conviction that I should be writing something. something that I know.

I guess the first thing to explain is the reason I write. I do not desire pity. that is something I have always despised - to the point where I would neglect to tell people that my parents are dead, because I loathed the look they would give me - of pity, as though I had missed out on something special and were less of a person through no fault of my own. Ofcoarse I feel that way sometimes about myself - but you must never feel it for me! I guess I am writing because my believe is firmly this: "to each his own". Every person will have some - thing that happens to them, this may be in circumstance or within the mind - it means that every single person has or will "go through" something. So this is simply meant to be an account of some of one person's "going throughs". Hopefully something speaks to you, to us. That is why I write.

You are Alpha and Omega

I am listening to this song

You are Alpha and Omega
We worship You our Lord
You are worthy to be praised

We give you ALL the Glory
We worship You our Lord
You are worthy to be praised

It really touches my heart today. I am so tired Lord. so worried.
but I will put my trust in You. I put my faith in You. The Bible says in Psalms 42 11 Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

Once again I will sing:
We give you ALL the Glory
We worship You our Lord
You are worthy to be praised

There is more - the reason why I sing

listening to the album Consuming Worship - and it really is.
I just wanted to say something about the reason why I sing. I sing because I know that day after day God is Still the SAME.
yesterday I had a very upsetting day - nothing upsetting happened - but I felt very sad and just upset. about. about my life. and my father and mother - who's wedding anniversary would have been yesterday. it's not the actual date that matters to me -it's that I recently realised that I have a lot further to go than I had originally realised - I thought - ok, I'm fine now - or ok - it's better with time. but the truth is that sometimes - it isn't really. sometimes it doesn't get better. I can't address why that is - only my Father God knows why. but what I can say is that He continues to provide. yesterday I was able to call my boyfriend and he came over and we went for a really long walk. and then I was able to run away to his place for a nap. but then today - when I still felt fragile and sad I felt that I could not ask him for help. I felt like - "yesterday you spent the day with me, comforting me, listening, buying me food, making me food, and just giving me the time that I need - I can't ask you to do that all over again..." and even when I was formulating the question - he wasn't around....
what I'm saying is - God is ALWAYS AROUND. I went to God, and I reread His promises. and I remembered that he is ALWAYS there. every single time. I can't always call up someone - and somedays there is no one to call... but GOD is always there. always here.
I can't express how much that means to know. And his promises are irrefutable. It says in Psalms 27:
"When my father and my mother forsake me, then the LORD will take me up. "
So I'm holding onto that promise.
it says in Psalm 30
"weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning."

I'm looking for my Joy.

Growing, Learning - Too much too soon

This weekend I've learned a very important lesson... actually a few. I guess the first is that people will go as far as you allow them - within their own boundaries... and at times their boundaries are very different from yours.
So today I've decided to take charge a bit - and act less for what I think others think or expect (whether or not they really do).

Too much too soon - if left unaddressed very soon becomes too little too late.

On Worship

Today I had a lesson from my Father God. I learned about worship. and how much my Father values it. In Luke 11:8-10

"Though he will not rise and give him, because he is his friend, yet because of his importunity he will rise and give him as many as he needeth. 9 And I say unto you, Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you. 10 For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened."

That - along with something that I read in "I can only Imagine" I have learned that God values persistance - He appreciates those peoples with the patience to stick by Him through and through. Today I learned that if I see a task as a form of worship (even if it's a job that I absolutely hate) - if I believe that He's using it for His purposes - it becomes a form of Worship.

here is some honesty

I decided to write blogs and be honest. to honestly share things with others - to really open up. needless to say I haven't done so as yet. sometimes it's fear - sometimes I feel like there are too many people reading it -too many people I know. sometimes - perhaps the most important is that I don't want to discourage a single person - by complaining about my life - by showing the bad... But how do you get around that? how do you find honesty without showing the bad? So this is where it leaves me - overwhelmed with no outlet. so, I have decided to bite the bullet - in anonimity (at least partial - there is always a trace) - in a public place - as well as I can...