Seven Pounds

**Spoilers ahead, stop now if you plan to watch the movie**

The other day I watched the movie "Seven Pounds" staring Will Smith. He performed excellently in it. He played the main character who (we find out at the end) had caused a car accident (cell phone) which killed his wife and 8 others who were in a bus. He then decides to donate as much of himself as was humanly (and inhumanly) possible. He donated a lung to his brother, parts of his liver, bone marrow. He planned to donate everything...

But first had had to meet the people who were going to receive the parts of him. He had to make sure that they were good people. He fell in love with the woman he eventually gave his heart to.

It was a depressing movie, because he died at the end - he committed suicide.
But I came away from it encouraged because it made me think of Jesus.
Jesus died that we might live...eternally. He gives us a blood transfusion, a new heart, a new mind, he saves our souls if we accept it.
2Corinthians 5:17 : Therefore, if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.

With some very important differences from Will Smith's character.

1.Christ had done nothing wrong, he was not repaying his sins, rather, he repayed our own. 2Cor 5:21 : For our sake he made him to be sin, who knew no sin; so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.

2. Christ died so that we could live but he didn't stay dead. He completed the transaction and then came back to life - so we have not lost him.

3. (The best part!) He didn't only die for good people. in fact, He died for the bad. Romans 5:8: But God shows His love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

He doesn't have to ask anyone about our character, he knows us intimately, He knows that we sinned, and he died for us anyways!

So, I have to give a thumbs up to the movie writers - but I give everything to Christ.

Shout to the Lord

My Jesus, My saviour
Lord there is none like you
All of my days
I want to praise
The wonders of your mighty love

My comfort, My shelter, Tower of refuge and strength
Let every breath
all that I am
Never cease to worship you!

Shout to the Lord All the earth let us sing
Power and Majesty, Praise to the King
Mountains bow down and the seas will roar at the sound of you name

I sing for joy at the work of your hands - forever I'll praise you
Forever I'll stand
Nothing compares to the promise I have in You.

(can't remember the writer: - great song! I'm signing it in class tomorrow - excited)

thankyou

(writen Aug 22, 2006)(and also true today)

This morning I was struck with gratitude. I realised that unbeknownst to me I have been happy for some time now, or rather, I have experienced Joy. I have not worried about how I will eat, or live, what I will wear or how I feel. I have been carried by love. I have been healthy mentally and physically.
I want to say thankyou Lord!

wisdom and strength

*n.b Jul 28/09: On rereading the first draft (Wisdom and strenght)I want to make it clear- that in my weakness He is strong (2 Cor 12:9). And that with man - "this is impossible, but with God, all things are possible" (Mat 19:26). So that, even knowing my weaknesses has not proven to be as much as a strength as I thought, instead - knowing Christ and relying on Him daily has been the real source of strength and wisdom. *

(not sure why this was in the draft box - perhaps a bit wordy and preachy - by still so true!)
started Feb 25/07

Wisdom and strength

Today a friend asked me a difficult question. She asked – when one is in the middle of a difficult situation – how does one get out? what do you do when you’re trapped in the middle of an episode – that could be in addiction to anything – from porn, alcohol; a problem with anger.
My response is the only one that I know – and I recognise that it doesn’t answer the question: perhaps a wiser person than I knows the answer – because surely I don’t. My response is this:
Don’t wait until your in the middle – stop it at the beginning.
It’s easy to stop a parked car – you put your hand out – and there, it’s stopped… but try stopping it when it’s going at 20 miles an hour… try 50 miles, 100 miles – the force it takes to stop it is not just 100 times more – it’s on the scale of thousands. Don’t let it get there.
The way I’ve dealt with not having any willpower – is by not tempting myself. I know I’m weak – and yes, I want to be strong one day – but if I know my weakness I feel that that is my greatest strength. I know that if there are marshmallows in my house I will eat them all. Some of you might argue – well you don’t have to eat them all. you should teach yourself restraint. just have one a day or a couple a week. use them as a reward.
I say – WHY?? why put myself to the test? why tempt myself?? if I know I can’t handle it – then why should I even try to??
My strength is not in going against the thing. my strength is not gained by trying to face my fears. Nor is it in running away from them. My strength is in knowing them. I remember when I first found out about pulleys and later about machines. I still don’t understand the physics of it – the force vs the work of the thing. but I get the principle – with a little bit of work/ strength – I am able to move big things. Things which, by my strength alone I could never move.
With brain power we are able to accomplish greater things than we could ever do with just brawn. If we work smart we can get much farther ahead than the person who works frequently, or even the one who works hard. I once read a book where this video game was virtually unbeatable. you could get better and better at it – and win more battles, and lose less men – but eventually – you would lose – the only way to win was not to play.
I’m not saying that God isn’t capable of winning every battle, even if it means using me as His tool. I think what I have learned from him that my strength is not going to be in strength – but in wisdom – His wisdom. How did David slay Goliath? certainly not through his own strength. God gave him wisdom enough to know how not to fight that battle. He did not try to use Saul’s weapons or armour. He knew what his own weaknesses were – and his strengths – His strength lay in God.
They say knowledge is power – if our wisdom, knowledge and understanding is rooted and grounded in Christ – we are powerful beyond anything we can hope or imagine.
Talibah Robinson
2007-02-25

The trick of the Devil.
One of his greatest tools is isolation. Have you ever been stuck in a bad habit? stuck so well that you were afraid of what you would do if you had to stop it? and you’re afraid to ask any one for help – because you feel that you are the only one who goes through it. you feel like you will lose face among your friends, or that they will think badly of you- or be disappointed in you. This is a trick of the devil!
I’m not saying that every single person you talk to will be understanding and non-judgemental. but what I am saying is if you never talk to anyone – it’s unlikely that they will be able to help you out of it. they will not be able to add their prayers to yours unless you ask them to. So don’t let the devil fool you into believing otherwise.
One of the symptoms/ effects of an abusive relationship is isolation. An abusive partner taunts and teases and threatens- they may say:
don’t tell or I’ll beat you up
or
they may say – no one will believe you if you tell. or worse – no one will talk to you if you tell – they will blame you.
It’s easier to see it from the outside – those are lies! but from the inside it starts to make a lot of sense. you start to believe those lies because you are in a vulnerable place, because you have forgotten what the truth sounds like. But let me tell you the truth. God desires His children to be free – no longer slaves to sin. That’s why He sent His very son.

Don’t let the devil feed you his lies! He will tell you whatever it takes to make you stop looking for help. My prayer is that you take it to the Lord!
Praise God and declare the devil a liar.

My star

it's been so long. years even.
Something i'm struggling with - and have been struggling with for years:- letting go.
"Forget the former things, do not dwell on the past" (Isaiah - - )
How can someone - five years in the past, 300 miles from the present location, be such a big deal? I feel it's kinda like the sun, or some other star - You shone in the past! you're light years away. Why are you still impacting my life??!!! Why are you still my compass point?? My yard-stick against which I measure all other directions. Why do you still shine so brightly in my life?
My star - Distant, remote, flaring in the past - shining brightly in my sky.

how do I let go?

The Storm - continued

in an unexpected turn of events the last post has become a foreshadowing of sorts... has hit a little closer to home than I expected....
and as I reel from the news I turn once more to the Psalmist for encouragement...

Psalm 91
1 He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. [a]

2 I will say [b] of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust."

3 Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare
and from the deadly pestilence.

4 He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

5 You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,

6 nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday.

7 A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.

8 You will only observe with your eyes
and see the punishment of the wicked.

9 If you make the Most High your dwelling—
even the LORD, who is my refuge-

10 then no harm will befall you,
no disaster will come near your tent.

11 For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways;

12 they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.

13 You will tread upon the lion and the cobra;
you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

14 "Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.

15 He will call upon me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.

16 With long life will I satisfy him
and show him my salvation."Footnotes:

Psalm 91:1 Hebrew Shaddai
Psalm 91:2 Or He says

When I read that yesterday morning I had no idea how I would come back to it and cling to it throughout the rest of the day. He seems to send things right on time.
I especially like the first lines
"1 He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. "

and the image in verse four
He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart

and finally, his promise to be with him (us) in trouble (verse 15).

So I wait for Him. and cling to his promises.

The Storm

Hello dear reader,
this link is actually for me as much as it is for you. I recently saw the link on Dooce.com. She says this: "I can't stress enough how eloquent this piece is. He nails it."
I echo her words completely. I am thankful that he has surfaced long enough to write this insightful piece, and I pray for his continued health. Here's the link:

A columnist for the Times-Picayune in New Orleans

At first I wasn't going to link it - I thought - "oh, it's too depressing" (literally!). But then I couldn't stop reading it - I was drawn by his vivid description of a disease which is so prevalent among us, so relevant to us. and I wanted to give you the opportunity to read. not to scare you, or to make you diagnose yourselves - but to open all our eyes.
My Lord has thus far spared me the absolute grip of such an illness, such a storm... but he has not spared me the effects.
So today I turn to His unfailing goodness, unfailing wisdom - I lift up my Song of praise to the Most High - I lift it up because, even when I don't understand everything that goes on around me, or why things happen to people around me, or why such an illness of pain is allowed to persist in believers and nonbelievers alike - while I don't understand, I still trust that He is in charge in complete control. And I pray for more grace - that I might believe it more.
And I pray for you, reader. That in the midst of the storm (of depression), that you would find shelter in the LORD.
I turn once more to Psalms 27, this time verses 1 and 5:

The LORD is my light and my salvation
whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life
of whom shall I be afraid?

For in the day of trouble
he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle
and set me high upon a rock.

Amen.

Unorphanhood I - Courage

Courage doesn't always roar.
Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying "I will try again tomorrow".
Mary Anne Radmacher.


A few weeks ago I came across this beautiful thought, it was a discovery that moved me to tears.
I think of my second year at university as a dark spot - the worst year - not of my life (that would be a bit dramatic) - but definitely the hardest. I always think of it - it was the hardest lesson I've learned - a lesson which I began to learn then and will continue to learn for the rest of my life I think. When I was in my second year of university my father died. Tomorrow will be the anniversary of his death.
Four years ago I was just moving back into residence. I remember unpacking my things and lying on my bed - waiting. I can't explain what I was waiting for, only that I was waiting. Although I was surprised when my uncle knocked on the door to my room, I was not surprised by his news - my father had died. At this time I will not recount the next few weeks - it is enough to say that they were difficult. But the next months were even harder. Before I had left for school at the end of that summer I'd had a conversation with my father - we decided that I should return to school that year. I wanted very much to stay with him but he felt strongly that I should continue my studies and both my sisters had moved home so he would not be without company.
So after the funeral I felt compelled to return to school. I felt that I owed it to him. But every day was a struggle. To go to class, gospel choir, floor events - all mundane things in the face of dealing with death. Every day I had to try with all my might not to quit. At the time it didn't feel as though I was building muscles - it felt as though I was tearing them - fighting my deepest urge to give up and go home.
Now I look back on it - I don't think it would have been giving up - I think it would have been alright to take the time to grieve. but I do not regret staying. The lesson I learned was important - at the time, I thought of it as "not quitting". It was only when I read the quote at the beginning of this entry that I came to see it by another name - courage.

I thank God for the courage He has given me.

On Love

On Saturday I went to the Mount Pleasant cemetery. I know it seems like an odd place to go for a walk, but for some reason I've been wanting to do it for a while.
I tried to think of people I could go with but eventually I decided to invite the Lord. And I met Him there. I had two revelations on the walk - revelations of Love.
The first was that I've been created to love, it's what I enjoy doing.When I was seeing the boy I love(d) I experienced such Joy thinking of things I could do - ways to make him Happy.
I loved loving him.
the same was true of my time volunteering with babies. Loving is a skill that, though perfect, can always be improved upon, and ultimately it is the BEST state to be in. And it was then I realized that I want to love God this way. I want to lavish my love on Him. I'm not quite sure how best to do it, but I feel that in realizing my need I have come closer to Him.
The other revelation of love was two fold. In the cemetery I saw stones and stones marked with names. I saw mothers, daughters, sons, fathers, brothers, husbands, wives, sisters, pastors and friends. all missed. all loved. All remembered by a name carved in stone. A short story of their life - the span of years (Jan 15th 1869 - May24th 1920), and perhaps a short note on their kindness and generosity, and a verse of God's love. Perhaps a note on who they left behind. And the names of those who later joined them: widows buried next to their husbands 30 years later, entire families named on a single stone decades separating them. I know it's weird, but I felt as one sometimes feels when surrounded by families. I felt surrounded by love, at peace.
Each line spoke of love.
Each person that has stood and mourned or brought flowers or left lights, each is a testament of love.
And later I remembered this vs: Isaiah 49:16

"See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands."

God has engraved us in love. and unlike the words in stone which may last for a century or two and then fade, our names have been there before we were born, and will be there for eternity. So can we be next to Him for just as long. That is love.

Unorphanhood

In John 14:16-18 Jesus speaks to His diciples about His departure. He says:
"16 And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counselor to be with you forever— 17 the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you. 18 I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you."

"I will not leave you as orphans: I will come to you."

It is this phrase upon which I build my story. And what is my story?
My story is simply my life. a life which has been mostly happy. I have two older sisters, two sisters who are my age (bestfriends) and various other sisters, mothers and aunts who are woven into myself. I have two fathers - my father on earth who is no longer on earth, and my Father in heaven.

Where should I start now that I've started? I'll start with the present. It is raining outside. It's one of those lovely wet days when the rain does not cease and socks and shoes get thoroughly wet but one is happy to be alive and all the more grateful for a warm house from which to enjoy it all. I have put off writing for almost a month and now all my thoughts are gone from me except the conviction that I should be writing something. something that I know.

I guess the first thing to explain is the reason I write. I do not desire pity. that is something I have always despised - to the point where I would neglect to tell people that my parents are dead, because I loathed the look they would give me - of pity, as though I had missed out on something special and were less of a person through no fault of my own. Ofcoarse I feel that way sometimes about myself - but you must never feel it for me! I guess I am writing because my believe is firmly this: "to each his own". Every person will have some - thing that happens to them, this may be in circumstance or within the mind - it means that every single person has or will "go through" something. So this is simply meant to be an account of some of one person's "going throughs". Hopefully something speaks to you, to us. That is why I write.

You are Alpha and Omega

I am listening to this song

You are Alpha and Omega
We worship You our Lord
You are worthy to be praised

We give you ALL the Glory
We worship You our Lord
You are worthy to be praised

It really touches my heart today. I am so tired Lord. so worried.
but I will put my trust in You. I put my faith in You. The Bible says in Psalms 42 11 Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

Once again I will sing:
We give you ALL the Glory
We worship You our Lord
You are worthy to be praised

There is more - the reason why I sing

listening to the album Consuming Worship - and it really is.
I just wanted to say something about the reason why I sing. I sing because I know that day after day God is Still the SAME.
yesterday I had a very upsetting day - nothing upsetting happened - but I felt very sad and just upset. about. about my life. and my father and mother - who's wedding anniversary would have been yesterday. it's not the actual date that matters to me -it's that I recently realised that I have a lot further to go than I had originally realised - I thought - ok, I'm fine now - or ok - it's better with time. but the truth is that sometimes - it isn't really. sometimes it doesn't get better. I can't address why that is - only my Father God knows why. but what I can say is that He continues to provide. yesterday I was able to call my boyfriend and he came over and we went for a really long walk. and then I was able to run away to his place for a nap. but then today - when I still felt fragile and sad I felt that I could not ask him for help. I felt like - "yesterday you spent the day with me, comforting me, listening, buying me food, making me food, and just giving me the time that I need - I can't ask you to do that all over again..." and even when I was formulating the question - he wasn't around....
what I'm saying is - God is ALWAYS AROUND. I went to God, and I reread His promises. and I remembered that he is ALWAYS there. every single time. I can't always call up someone - and somedays there is no one to call... but GOD is always there. always here.
I can't express how much that means to know. And his promises are irrefutable. It says in Psalms 27:
"When my father and my mother forsake me, then the LORD will take me up. "
So I'm holding onto that promise.
it says in Psalm 30
"weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning."

I'm looking for my Joy.

Growing, Learning - Too much too soon

This weekend I've learned a very important lesson... actually a few. I guess the first is that people will go as far as you allow them - within their own boundaries... and at times their boundaries are very different from yours.
So today I've decided to take charge a bit - and act less for what I think others think or expect (whether or not they really do).

Too much too soon - if left unaddressed very soon becomes too little too late.

On Worship

Today I had a lesson from my Father God. I learned about worship. and how much my Father values it. In Luke 11:8-10

"Though he will not rise and give him, because he is his friend, yet because of his importunity he will rise and give him as many as he needeth. 9 And I say unto you, Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you. 10 For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened."

That - along with something that I read in "I can only Imagine" I have learned that God values persistance - He appreciates those peoples with the patience to stick by Him through and through. Today I learned that if I see a task as a form of worship (even if it's a job that I absolutely hate) - if I believe that He's using it for His purposes - it becomes a form of Worship.

here is some honesty

I decided to write blogs and be honest. to honestly share things with others - to really open up. needless to say I haven't done so as yet. sometimes it's fear - sometimes I feel like there are too many people reading it -too many people I know. sometimes - perhaps the most important is that I don't want to discourage a single person - by complaining about my life - by showing the bad... But how do you get around that? how do you find honesty without showing the bad? So this is where it leaves me - overwhelmed with no outlet. so, I have decided to bite the bullet - in anonimity (at least partial - there is always a trace) - in a public place - as well as I can...